mixmind

What Qualities to Look in a Woman?

2012-01-31T12:34:00.000+07:00

As my previous post regarding how to choose a man that worth fighting for to my fellow female friends. Here's the post I dedicated for men who are longing to find the women they long for to spend the rest of their lives together... May you find her, brother....

And may a true man of God find me as I'm struggling each day to be more perfect and have these qualities, especially quality no. 6 as I'm get used to be a leader and initiator in my job and among my friends :)

Here they are the qualities:

Fears God and whose hope is in the Lord God. Her life is going to be a reflection of where her hope is. If a young lady's hope is in any place other than the Lord, the young who marries her is going to spend the rest of his life trying to help his wife catch a butterfly. It isn't going to happen.
Honors her parents. There is so much baggage today being brought into marriages based upon dysfunctional relationships with Mom and Dad. And even though this impacts both the husband and the wife, it's been my experience that women tend to be impacted more negatively by this than young men. Women tend to be more nurturing and they are impacted deeply by hurting relationships. If she has a hard time honoring her parents, she will have a hard time honoring you. Find someone who has or is working to have a healthy relationship with her parents.
Knows how to ask for forgiveness, admit she's wrong, grant forgiveness, and give grace when you fail her. This isn't just a one-way street. Both of you are going to need to do that.
Wants to be a wife and a mother. There are some young ladies who want to be married, but don't really want to be a wife and a mother. They want to be married, but they want their career to be their number-one pursuit. I believe the scriptures teach that a wife's number-one pursuit should be ministering to her husband and family. That means if you choose to have children, your priorities and values have already been determined.
Displays character in her modest dress. A young man's character is displayed in his choices around life—around the use of money and relationships. But a woman's character is displayed in how she handles the power of her femininity and sexuality. In other words—how modest is she? That's becoming a weird word in our culture, but I would challenge young men to keep their eyes out for young women whose character is displayed in not only on the inside, but the outside as well.
Knows how to follow a man. That doesn't mean perfection, but it does mean that she understands that she's the vice president, not the president. Women are joint heirs of the grace of God, but someone has to make the final decision when you both disagree. When one person votes one way, and the other person votes another, I believe it's the responsibility of the husband to listen carefully and wisely consider the counsel of his wife. It's upon him and to the Lordship of Jesus Christ as being led in the power of the Holy Spirit to make that decision, and then it's upon the wife to be able to follow under the same influence. That's not an easy thing in this culture.

As you see, it's not all about look and appearance, but more to qualities of her inner being. Know how to make-up and dress modestly are important, but after all those beauties fading... all you want is to have a person that accept you and together (yes, I mean TOGETHER) be with you through good times (either it hobbies/ministries/anything that you both can enjoy together); or bad times (career changes, sickness, health failures, bankruptcy, etc).

I heard those from my male friends who almost got divorce or cheating on their wives by having affairs with other women who might not as pretty or gorgeous as their wives. Sometimes, their wives pretty faces and sexy bodies can't complete what they longing for, an union or togetherness that each individuals seek deeper in the souls...

But, if you're a man and woman of God, no matter happens in your life and how your current spouse react to you, you will stick to the marriage covenant and believe me, God's miracles work on the troubled marriages even only one person seek His face for help.

May God blesses every marriages out there....

Source : http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3593987&ct=4639461&notoc=1

What A Man Should Posses to be Worth Fighting For....

2012-01-31T12:11:00.000+07:00

Recently, a friend spoke to me that she's already ready to get married with her boyfriend. A statement that I considered brave enough considering she's a lot younger than me, and nowadays there're lots of seem-compatible-enough couples who were madly in love in their weddings endedin divorces two or three years after...

Sadly but true, many women seek the wrong qualities in men and seem tolerate 'insignificant things' that turned out to be the most important in their future marriage life... According to a site that full of good advices from trustful women and men of God, here's the qualities that a woman should seek from a man :

Fears God. Some of the ways you can tell if a young man fears God is by his language and how he treats other people. Does he treat them with respect? If not, why not? We as human beings are made in the image of God, and respecting people ultimately shows a heart that reverences the One whom we reflect.
Is not afraid to love. That may sound like a no-brainer, but a lot of young men today are afraid of commitment, and the young lady ends up chasing the young man. What we need today are more young men who are not afraid of being real, authentic, and committed to a young lady in a relationship. We need men who are not afraid to love.
Can admit his faults, his mistakes, and when he's hurt you. Ruth Bell Graham made the statement, "A good marriage is the union of two forgivers." The reason is because you're going to hurt one another over and over again during your lifetime together. If you don't know how to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness, you're never going to have a great marriage. The growth of your marriage will be stunted early on.
Can control his passions. We live in an age that has been invaded by pornography. The world sends a message that you can have it all and can satisfy yourself. I would want my daughters to date a young man who is fully in charge of his passion and can control his desire for the opposite sex.
Honors his parents. In the Ten Commandments, God tells us to honor our parents that our lives may be long and it may be well with us. Wouldn't you want to select a man whose life has a sense of well being in God's favor? I have heard it said that if you want to see how a young man will treat you, see how he treats his mother. I'd take that a step further—how does he honor both his mother and his father? Does he speak well of them or is he angry with them? Does he refuse to speak about them at all? What's going on between a young man and his parents is very important.
Is in the process of becoming a leader who knows how to serve. Being the head of a home and having so much authority and responsibility demands a servant spirit and self-denial. If a young man doesn't know how to deny himself on behalf of another person, giving up his personal rights, goals, and dreams, I would question whether he would know how to create a family over a lifetime.

Do you find these qualities in a man? If yes, don't let him go girls! ;-)

For the men, you might want to read what qualities to seek in a woman. Read my post after this...

source : http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3593987&ct=4639461&notoc=1

Wiser, Kinder, Lover

2011-10-28T09:49:00.007+07:00

These few months had made me thinking of who am I going to be in the next phase of my life. During the last few months especially, many things happened. Things that somehow tested my personality and faith beyond the limits, things that made me thinking about God and His people in different ways.
I used to be a person with a strong purpose/will, there're many things being decided by logic and experiences. And when things happened outside my expectation, I analysed things carefully and quickly thought of things that made this unsuccessful, correcting people and situation with my utmost ability. But I'm not perfectionist, so when there are things and condition that I can't avoid or fix, I usually draw back like a phlegmatic person will do. And at that time, although my heart hurt, I will wrap it carefully and make sure that I'll survive by myself by tolerating the pain, thus increasing my endurance to feel any pain. Even now, the funny thing about being tough is, whenever I feel the pain due to any wound/scars either by accident (fell of motorbike, bicycle or, just simply cut myself when handling knife); I felt it minutes later after I felt there's a warm liquid flow from the wound/cuts. And sometimes it doesn't hurt so bad, while people probably will wails due to the wound...Odd huh?

Being hurt and dissapointed by people many times, I grew my independence of sometimes not too hope much on people. While I can do it myself, I'll do it, rather than asking people to do it for me. And examining people deeply made me became wiser on analyzing the situation and conflicts. Wisdom sometimes misunderstood by people as being too judging or slow to react. While for me, wisdom is based on thorough and careful thinking and lots of facts analyses and asking for God's guidance at most. Though I'm not perfect in making decisions sometimes, but when I rely on God's guidance, sometimes even the craziest thing to do will become the most wise thing I made.

Also, some people criticize me about being 'too blatantly' speaking my ideas or critics, especially regarding my ideas on job matters. They ask me to be nicer/kinder in speaking to people. While I thought that these people must be never speak professionally in front of public who criticize their works before. I've learnt that sometimes it's better to ignore them since they don't know what I'm doing.
Being nicer or kinder isn't always good, you tend to compromised for things that you should've change for better instead became a people-pleaser. I agree on being polite in sounding your ideas, but if the person or organization that always do the same mistakes again and again, I would say they need something to rebuke them from the wrongdoings. And not many people want to be everyone's enemy or the left wing party due to the truth, they prefer sit back and just enjoy the show while there are flaws and mistakes that actually can be prevented or eliminated.

I'm surely hate to be left behind or to be considered as the 'rebel', but if that's for the better sake of the purpose I'm working for people I serve, I'd rather be a guerrilla rather than be a nice smiling religious lady who don't do anything when she saw the injustice lay in front of her. But I knew people make mistakes, they are not perfect, and sometimes it needs time for them too to gain bravery to rebuke things...So, all I can do is be kind and patient to them...like Jesus does.

But my journey to became wiser and kinder face another obstacles... it is love. Will I believe in love again after so many hurts? Will I began to believe that there's someone out there that still believe in love regarding the race, ethnicity, family background or social status or any thing that considered unimportant? Just unconditional love based on the same vision in life, the same passion that God had put in our hearts, and the willingness to sacrifice and accept others just the way we are without seeing the difference between us?

I'm ready now, ready to love...after became wiser and never lose hope, after series of waking up from the terrible sadness and dissapointments, after became braver to speak what is in my mind, and kind enough to understand people's flaws... It is love that I want to believe in...

I love this quote of Rumi about love:

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” - Rumi

A Tiring Journey that I'd like to Pause

2011-04-04T21:27:00.002+07:00

These past few months really had made me feel tired about this life...

Being misunderstood as 'traveling staff' that always got lucky chance to travel here and there without knowing that I had to undergone some bad experiences working outside my usual JD. Not to mention prolonged stress that often occur due to limited number of off days when I attend those meetings or workshops and went to other projects to fix things up from zero to something that worth reported by mass media.

And I finally had bad experiences regarding my current education status which is only 'Bachelor Degree" while helping on a doomed project in Borneo, they underestimated me! Haha! So Indonesian stereotype...Judging people by their education background only, not by their experiences... But somehow, I manage my feeling and work my best to help them...although they didn't pay attention to me.

As things goes by, I just felt worn out by my duties...No more happiness to work since I always being misunderstood, ignored, left alone to face giant problems and unappreciated. Feels like I just survive to get a-two-year-acknowledgement from this org, to pursue for higher dream...study again to be more capable and never being underestimate again...

Probably it'll just months when I will enter a new life in another country, if God allows me to get the chance. But the reasons why I want to pause this tiring journey for a while are not those obstacles of being misunderstood, underestimate and objection...but because I need to stop by and think about my purpose in this world, the higher vision that I long in my heart...

The vision that somehow so real and vivid, but sometimes too big to think about...too frightening to step on...thinking that I'll be alone doing that somehow...without a helper beside me.

I pray to God to make it clearer each day, to make me strong to face these mere obstacles I face everyday, to prepare me to meet him - the suitable partner - or not to meet him at all if God allows me to be alone to travel this life journey. But sometimes the vision seems too overwhelming...too big to handle alone, too lonely to travel on...

Somehow, I just need a pat in my shoulder, a nod of understanding or a letter /note of encouragement these days...or as simple as I'm-thinking-about-u SMS in my inbox. Things that impossible to me to get now... :-/

Fight for your love

2010-09-04T23:23:00.001+07:00

I’m going to fight for your love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. You are worth it.

quotes from “By the river Piedra I sat down and wept”

Such a touching quote, yet I am confused now to whom I should say that...since I have nobody to love now :P

How are you?

2010-08-09T18:03:00.004+07:00

"Well, I'm good, or I can say...mostly good..."

I replied when I was asked by my friends. Smiling kindly and think that the world is just fine.

But did they really asked about it truthfully from their heart?

But if I was asked "How are you really?"

For some reasons, I think if I answered, I will cry in the room, and totally surprised myself because I thought I was just fine. Those tears were about a lot of things.

I'm here...thousands miles away from the people that I love and who loved me back...

I'm here, alone...with bunch of task and some IDR 500 millions to spend within a month and lots of unending tasks, meetings and conflicts to finish...

Here I am with no one to love and loved me back...

I began to feel weary and tired of my job, my life and my circumstances

Recently, another door opened, only it's not the way I want it to be. Previously, a window to another continent opened, and I believed that God will open the door too...But He's not...

Honestly, I feel guilty when I get to a place where I better understand God's plan or what He's calling me to do and it hasn't fully come into being yet.

I've done a lot of waiting over the last five years. And what God has gently revealed to me is this, if my heart is open and I'm saying "yes" to what He asks me to do each day then I am here where I supposed to be.

It may not make sense. It may seem small. It may sounds silly. But sometimes God just has made me stay. -- I got these thoughts after reading a Christian devotional blog--

I've done my part God, I had travel this far and now there're two ways that lay in front of me...And I asked God to choose it for me, not myself....as I had promised myself not to have no desire to fulfill my ego for life. I promised myself to be tough, no matter how rough the road I'm travelling now...and if He takes me to the path of solitude, I'm ready though no one travel with me...

And I say, "God, I am here and waiting. Turn the pages as you will. And with all I am, all I have, I will go with you."

One more year huh?

2010-08-03T19:23:00.002+07:00

Gees, it's August now, and one more year ('few' more months to be exact) to stay here...and make difference....

I wish time can go faster, and probably I can see which path should I take next year...whether next year my dream to study will finally come true, or should I take another path?

And I'm wondering in times like these, when I had lost a chance to travel abroad and pursue my dreams....do I dare to dream and hope again?

I admitted that I had no other dream than to get that scholarship, after all, I'm pretty sure at that time I'm one of the best candidate to get it. I've been admitted to the best univ in Europe for food and nutrition subjects.

And I prayed to God that He might not answered my other wishes like having a really good career and high salaries, or finally found my soulmate....I'd risk all the things that I had in my life and just ask that request : to get Master degree scholarship in one of the best university in the world.

But He answered "NO", not this year probably.....

And here I am, with another year to spend in Alor, I've sign my extension for another year. But, I had another offer, a big one, that my friend offered for me months ago. That means going to another island, another provinces and bigger salary with tougher issues to work with the government. They still wait for my answer though....

To be honest, I'm confused, I'm in the intersection where I am standing and staring blankly at the roads ahead. Should I stay for another year that probably will broaden my chance to get the scholarship that requires me to stay loyal for two years in an institution?

Or should I move and get other adventures in Borneo and the job that finally pay for my mom's health expense and my apartment installments? While prob, this will limiting my chance to get

that scholarship since this is from a profit consultant company...

And is it God's answer to my ignorance to find my true love by meeting him, the one that I never think to love or even admire in the least place that I'll seek my candidate, days after I was announced to be not eligible for this year scholarship?

Yet, we're stay apart for months with very limited chance to meet. No FB, no YM, no Tweets, nothing whatsoever that can make me connected to him again. And prob, I'll just erase him after months just like I erase other men that have no further connection to me from my mind. But, again, I don't know what the future held for me and him.....

And I'm back to where I start

2010-02-13T19:44:00.002+07:00

These past few weeks really made me thinking about my life again... What is my purpose and goals of this year...what I'm gonna do for the rest of the year...and about my feelings that has been turned upside down by some people....

Yes, life has been shifting quite fast for me, traveling from an island to others, working on many huge subjects like baseline and reviewing project plannings and indicators, meeting so many new people and new offer for my career made me haven't got time to rethinking them all over...
But what matters the most is that I can't help myself to feel sorry that I lost so many relationship with my friends nowadays...
When I called them, either they had families (hubby and children) to taking care of, or they are too busy with their life that are so much different from the life I'm living on, so that they don't understand the subjects I'm talking about...Sadly but true, I had 'lost' so many real connection these past few years due to my nomad and isolated work places...
And coming back to city life during these past few weeks isn't so easy. Yes, life in cities made you think you can get it all. Far more comfortable than living in villages and islands...Plus, u can meet many people or 'potential' ones - like my parents always say when they talk about finding a spouse for me. Haha, like I never look for that one all of these times...?
But, what made me uneasy to enjoy life in cities as well as in remote areas where I often work is....the absence of people I knew. Even amidst of the crowd that I met in cities, restaurants or malls... I felt lonely...they all seem having friends or spouse to shared a table, shared a meal or shared the fun...but not me...I'm alone....
Whether I'm eating at popular Vietnamnese restaurant, or crowded Thai restaurant or romantic Italian restaurant, I feel the same, lonely..... when nobody I knew around... The feeling is worse when I'm in the crowd, shopping or even pampering myself at spa or salon weren't help me to ease the pain of being alone...
Now, I knew the feeling of lonely people that probably decide to end their life because of the loneliness.... and it made me shiver....

It took me days to get up from the lonely and miserable feeling to what I am before...despite the people that I cared for had their new life with their spouses. And the person that I began to hope for had decided to get lost from my life without any further reason why he did that...
Despite all the sadness and obstacles my family is now facing, I'm trying to stand firm on my feet again.
I had lost my grasps on everything I cared for, trying to let them go...and continuing my life. I began to set the goals for this year, began to preparing the job that I was longing for although probably I had to leave so many dear things and friends behind, or even planning to get a scholarship and made my dreams of going abroad by myself coming true this year....
Yes, so many things to dream on and start working rather than feeling sorry for myself and continue to questioning myself "Did I do something wrong to him?"

Well, I thanked God that HE had given me a chance to met u, but I knew that probably we're not meant to be together.... I just hope that we both will find those special persons somehow... and until that time arrive I'm only becoming myself, the one that God created so special and back to where I start....His heart...

Tired of this game

2010-01-11T17:48:00.000+07:00

Yes, I'm tired....I'm tired of the game of love....
What's inside men head for became the pursuer then suddenly without any notice, they think that nothing happened between us lately. Ha! How about long hours of talkin on the phone, chatting on the web and getting along so much that gals began to think that there are so many things they have in common and wondering are this one is the right one? (or perhaps the slightly closer to Mr.Perfect)

I know, if something made you lose ur feeling to someone is normal, but not because this gal said one that that discouraged you or joking to harsh, or saying the truth about herself that is not suitable to your criteria (for Godsake!), then you don't have rights to dump her just like that, without even noticing her or said why did u do that to her. For me, it's better to say it clearly to that gal what made you discouraged or lose ur feeling towards her, rather than slowly dump her and treat her as nothing happened between u both.

Sick, I'm tired of this drama, why don't people be true to themselves and to others. Just said it, nothin to hide though.

Just a simple note based on me and my friends exp :P

Shiftings

2010-01-09T19:46:00.002+07:00

There so many things happened during the last days of 2009, and the beginning of 2010...Broken relationship with my friend that used to be good, but because of minor misunderstanding she now hates me and never want to see me again...And what I hope for God to show me HIS will and plans for the coming new year, seemed so dull...
A new year with days of uncertainty and challenges open it's pages wide in front of me....
The sadness and regrets because I didn't visit Yosua (a sponsored child from ADP Alor) during his treatment at the hospital on Christmas and New Year, made me regreted it since he passed away on Tuesday, a day after I arrived in Alor again....
The disappointment continued when I heard from a friend in NO, that I'm not the chosen one to be the coordinator of a special project in Jakarta. I lost the position for a person that are more experienced. I must admitted that I am disappointed, since I hope so much to be near to my mom. She's as usual won't tell me about her sickness again, though I had forced her to check her health to the hospital...I'm afraid when I heard her saying on Christmas eve, "I want to go with you to Jerusalem next Christmas, so don't go anywhere far from me."

God, I need strength to understand these....and I'm confused what should I do next...
Please lead me through these hard times.

A Year Passed

2009-12-31T13:58:00.000+07:00

LOL, I just realize that this is the last day in 2009, shoot! Hehehe, a year passed so quickly, I even hardly can recall my memories this year.

Anyway, just want to say :

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Will you?

2009-11-01T15:29:00.004+07:00

A question had been nagging my mind lately, a simple one that I had answered years ago. Only then, I have always regret it and wondering, "How if I answered differently?"
It came again, "What if you do if you find that right person now? Will you let go of all your dream?"

Years ago, I answered "No, I won't" and have to saw him walk away from my life.

And now, with all those wedding invitations came to me, and the questions of marriage (that sounds like advices and even orders from my fam and relatives), and the worse part of having to see cute babies and infants cared by their mothers --damn, I can't avoid them since they're the target of my job here, mother and child health-- yes, I begin to wonder again....

This time, I can't help myself worrying about how if they both came at the same time? The love of my life and the chance to fulfill my dream/my destiny? Would I let go one of them, and regret it just the way I did? If I said yes few years ago, then maybe it wouldn't be the same...
Today, it's just happened to be like any other day, I just busy with my job and routines, didn't realize that time goes by...and then I saw a pic that remind me of that question. And the alternative choice to just flow like a river and forget the dreams of finding a true person.

In case, I said no for the second time to a man that probably the one-- that I don't know when I'll meet-- will I regret it again? And will I survive to continue my life and living my job in humanitarian issues until I grew old and felt content of who I am?

Is it a bad news or a gift?

2009-09-29T21:56:00.002+07:00

Today, when I assist the trainers and trainee of lactation counselors field practices... I found a shocking news concluded by one of the trainers. They suspect that one of my staff daughter is considered to have a down syndrome, this was concluded after they saw the process when the mother try to breastfeed the baby.
I had been suspicious about this also, when I saw the baby about a month ago, when she just few days old, because she's seem different from her sister and parents, moreover the baby is apathy towards the impulses created by her mother.

Gosh! I wish I could detect it earlier, but at that time I'm unsure and busy with many things so that I didn't really put it into my mind that it will lead to this serious birth defect.
Moreover, I knew the father of the child, he's one of the most responsible and cooperative staff that I ever work with, and I knew this family is a godly family that believe and practices the love of God.
The child father is now traveling for training sent by our office, and I'm not sure whether I can manage to say the precautions and the suspicion that we as trainers see in his baby. God, I wish I'm not the one that have to say the bad news....
But darn! I'm his supervisor though...and I'm the only health person that know better of this problem rather than the rest of people in my office.

God, is this a bad news? Or it's a gift that you sent to this family? I wish it turns out to be the best for Your will to be done....

The Agony

2009-09-10T19:44:00.003+07:00

I don't want to...
Sleep and wake up realizing those just dreams..
Travel and go around....finding that you're nowhere to be found...
Hoping and wishing to discover that you're finally can't fulfill them...

But I keep....
Sleep and dreaming about you....wake up and wishing you're here to greet me every morning...
Travel and go around...wishing that somehow your spirit be with me everywhere I go...
Hoping and wishing you finally stay with me and fulfilling all my heart desires...

I wish, oh I can only wish...this time I'll find the way...
Though I'm staying in the wilderness...in the desert...with no one speaking to me
I wish...I can find my way back to you

Staring at the night sky in August...

2009-08-14T20:42:00.003+07:00

I wake up in the middle of the night these few days, not thinking of anything for certain reason...but there are something in my heart that pounding it. I said to myself, do not waste your time thinking of the past and the things that seems impossible. You're a strong woman, you can make it without him...

And I lied again, it seems like that I care not to love again. Care not to look for someone that I can cared for...but I can't --

You're gone now, and all I can do, is just wishing that it is you....the one that my soul looking for...it is truly you, that my heart longing for....

Again, I felt the sudden emptyness when you're gone this time, just like when you leave me sometime ago...the pain when I can't see you around, just when I began to know you more...
But probably it's too late, just like every other stories in the past, when I found that I was a fool to let my love to go away, or too naive to trust in the love that's empty, or every now and then when I love the wrong person...
But, today, I felt that somehow that might be you....I hope that our previous meeting is a time when history began to wave it's endless threads of destiny between you and me... The threads that I wish can make a beautiful pattern in the rainbow in the sky that we stay under together....

I said a little prayer, thinking of you that probably in the other side of the world or probably stay near to me now. Pray that God will lead me to the end of the rainbow where you wait there and wait for me...

"Again, I'm sitting here, all alone again, without you that never seems so close to me...
I look at the stars, I spread my arms to the open sea and sky...and fly again, just like the lonely Cygnus in the midst of billions of stars"

I almost forget...

2009-07-29T20:39:00.002+07:00

These few days, though my workload seem burdens me so much, I got surprising re-connections with some old friends and well, some ex-lovers... hehehehe...
They somehow contact me, mostly using SMS or chats, and some even called me directly to my cell. And I suddenly realized...that whenever I work in remote areas, I often find myself to have limited connection with my old friends. I spent most of my time to work and get limited social life here, no meeting people outside my work circumstances and of course no romance life whatsoever....

I must admit, I miss those moments of hanging out with my friends an buddies, and I miss the thrilling moments to love and to be loved back...the happiness when a person says to me, "I miss u and I love you the way you are..."
Am I going to find that person?

I'm still wandering and wondering though...

"Should we run...?"

2009-06-21T20:47:00.004+07:00

"Should we run...?"
Seems like the soft south wind blow it to my ear
And I stand still, in the mist of the sea of grass and dandelions, wandering...
Somewhere, someone had asked me this before...

As I gaze upon the blue sky
The sun embraced me with warm sunlight
Again, I feel that feeling....that you are here...only, I'm not sure that you ever exist...
Half of me lost...between memories and the visions...

It's hard, harder than I ever imagine
To keep you in my mind, while the facts seem just like illusions
While the longings still linger in my heart
To be with you and know you more...

And I started to run...freely...with no direction
Just following where the wind blows
Hoping that it leads me to you
I run and run again....became lighter in every steps
And suddenly, I feel you near me...
Your hands holding mine and we run together...

When I stop because I'm catching my breath,
I feel your arms around me and holding me tight from behind
Whispering, "Now, we've run together, I'll never let you run alone again..."

A Vietnamese Culinary Experience

2009-06-18T19:19:00.003+07:00

2 weeks ago, my friends and me decided to have some culinary experiences by trying some Vietnamese restaurant. The first try is Cali Deli, in Jalan Surabaya, Menteng, Jakarta. We rode our bicycles to the restaurant and park our them near the trees in the parking lot. At the first sight, the restaurant seemed so green and cozy, with beautiful lights from the bulbs lightened the park lot and the place every where. Moreover the greeneries from the plants and some air vapor created some mist that surprisingly refreshing. It feels like we’re not in the sideway of a busy road at all. Like we dine in a natural view restaurant that u can only found in Bogor or outside Jakarta.

My choices for that dinner were Turkey Sandwich (in Vietnam, they called these kind of sandwiches Bánh mì) and Vietnamese Ice Coffee, and my friend tried Lemongrass Chicken Sandwich and some juice. The food finally appeared and they seem so tasty, so I grab my sandwiches that had been cut into 3 nice part and munch it. Hmm…it’s so delicious! I like the crunchy bread, the unique yet tasty turkey and the vegetables (carrot, lettuce and some cucumber plus onion) that cut into small matchstick size, and also the smoked turkey meat that sliced into thin layers. We ate the sandwiches, my friend tried mine and vice versa. (unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera at that time, but this Bánh mì picture very alike with the ones we had)

The lemongrass chicken sandwiches are also delicious. I like the unique flavor of the marinated chicken. About the ice coffee, I like it, since it’s not too sweet as the usual coffee mix, but kinda had a strong flavor but yet enjoyable.

On Sunday, after the evening service, my friends and me went to a Mr.Pho 2000. It’s a Vietnamese restaurant located in Senayan City mall 5^th Floor. My friends ordered the Vietnamese spicy noodles that looks like Japanese ramen, and me, as usual, ordered the chicken sandwich. In hope that I get the same delicious experience like the one I had with Cali Deli’s Vietnamese sandwiches. For drink, I tried Salted Buzz, interested to taste this sounds unique drink.

The drink came in first. First, it taste very much like Sprite, they just add 2 piece of sliced lime and some yellowish fruits in the bottom that I thought must be apricot or mango. But I was wrong, the yellowish fruit had a salty taste like the ‘asinan’ (sautéed fruit) called ‘amoy’. I often get amoy (the name of the Chinese sautéed fruit) when I was in my childhood, and this yellowish fruit very much like amoy.

Then the food came….My sandwiches are not as delicious as the ones I had in Cali Deli. The stir-fried chicken as the stuffing is ok, but the French loaf/bread that they use aren’t crunchy and taste like ordinary bread. They provided a cup of oil with vinegar, but it doesn’t really add to the taste. I’m pretty much disappointed with the taste actually, because compared to the price, it don't satisfying at all. But well, it’s a culinary experience though. You never know what u’ll get.. ;)

I'm afraid

2009-04-19T00:32:00.002+07:00

Finally, after so many doubts I had chosen in the past, I decided to take that offer...
Much more, this decision will lead me to the most uneasy and difficult places that most big NGOs had think it's impossible to work there. So far from my dream to work in Sumba, the place that is so much nearer to Bali.

And now, I'm afraid....
I'm afraid that I had taken the wrong decision based on desperation...
I'm afraid to go to that place and leave everything behind me...
I'm afraid I can't be myself there... and things only lead me to other dissapointments...
And I'm afraid to be the leader there, to be the one that responsible for all the things done by my staff...

I'm sad....
I'm sad because this mean I had to leave the urban life...
I'm sad because this mean another year (or probably years) spent in the wilderness, with noone will take care of my spiritual growth...
I'm sad because deep in my heart, I hope I can life ordinary girl's dreams...
To find a true love and build a family... so easy that my friends had doing it for years now....

God, I wish I can erase these negative thoughts and saya : "Be it unto me according to Your words. According to your promises, I can stand secure...."
If anyone read this, can u leave me a message, an encouragement perhaps? I really appreciate it if u did...

Shifting Life?

2009-03-13T19:27:00.004+07:00

A week passed and some interesting things happened, but none were special though. The same feelings that make me wondering why my life moves so slowly these few months while others seem like shifting so fast like lights.

After that clarification letter from that UN Agency came again by post, that reminds me of the failed plans to go back to Aceh again. I felt like I'm shifting between times without knowing what to do and how I should feel. Just living my life that seems endless, hehehe....

To end the week, I got a 'different' offer from a distinguished institution here in Jakarta that call me for an interview for the position that I never think of it before. Sounds weird to my humanitarian background, but again, rather than just sitting here and see others' life changing fastly, all I can do is see where this will lead me and follow it. After three years and life just bring me to where I start before....education. Sounds weird right? I'm shifting back to where I used to be...only this time, I don't really know is this the pace that I always wanted....

Another Star Faded Away...

2009-03-05T21:56:00.005+07:00

And another star faded away from my life...
The hope that I cling to for days and months is now gone,
And I'm here, again in the desert... alone...wondering...
Will another bright star shine upon this desert?

Love's Divine

2009-02-24T17:52:00.006+07:00

These few days had made me wondering. Yes, I'm again in the blues of my mood, somehow because this irritating cough, and probably for other reasons...include the memories from the past and the hopes for tomorrow...

I knew I'm in the brink of believing and not believing. Sometimes I want to believe things are going smoothly as they should be, but other times I can't help myself to doubt whether there is an end of these series of (un)fortunate events. I want to start a new life (and love), but sometimes when things are not going smoothly to what I expected (mind me, I'm a planner person), I became numb...and lose my hope. Even, I don't want to hope too much in fear of getting hurt again with too much expectation.

Life is hard recently for some others, and I knew the classic phrase : Everyone has their own battle, do not envy others. But believe me, when u're in my complex situation, all I can do is .....sadly...nothing. When I began to lose my hope for everything, this song reminds me of what I truly need : love.
Yes, divine love from above that can made me remember who I am truly. Though this is not a Christian song, but somehow this song make me remembering Him, the only one that can give this divine love to help me find the real me inspite of all the turmoils...He is God, Lord Jesus.

Love's Divine - sung by Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realize my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me, it came still

I need love, loves divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came, sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had felt, all of my, reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside felt that all in all
But the message here was plain to see
Believe:

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

A Mere Reflection

2008-12-23T00:00:00.002+07:00

Almost end of the year, and how I realized that my writings had been so limited this year than the previous year. Maybe the hectic days made me so busy to pour out my thoughts and passions into writings...well, I can only regret it...
Oh how time flew so fast, and days spent in vain...tears, laughters, smiles, frowns, wrinkles, grins and sour faces. All had put their marks upon my face this year. And how I realized that I had changed so much (and yet so little) in some parts of my life.

Last month, during the boring days of my holidays in home, I finally watched some movies that I had got from my friends (mostly the downloaded movies), one of them is "The Pursuit of Happiness" staring Will Smith.
It was a simple film, and old film though, simple messages, some drama, etc. But one thing that keeps nagging my mind is the question : "Should I try hard to pursue my happiness also?"

These words came into my mind as I reflect on the meaning of happiness and our efforts to pursue it:
"Sometimes our efforts to pursue happiness make us end in despair when trying to fix things up and solitude when we realized no one stands beside us.... And our minds play tricks that we had rights to be happy and sometimes that cause us to sacrifice others...People that had nothing to do with us and people that we chosen to be sacrificed just to fulfill our deepest longings for happiness."

Some common thoughts and excuses in our world such as:
I had to fired my staff to 'save' my company and thus make me can treat my family for their vacation to Bahamas next year, I felt sorry but people can't satisfy everyone...

I had to be with him, because I love him and he's not happy with his wife anymore. I know this is wrong, but I only pursue our happiness. His wife can give him happiness by letting him go and let him together with me...

I had to be tough and show no mercy to people to state I'm capable of leading this workgroup and shows my excellence in leading people and gaining profits...

I am willing to had every situations and conditions, getting beaten, got harrassed, assaults, anything...from men....as long as they 'love' me and 'treat' me well.

I'm willing to letting go of who I am, the real me, just to get people's attention. To get love and admiration from others, and the people that I love. I'm ready to sacrifice my thoughts, my beliefs, my everything just to had people's acceptance. To be like them, not to be someone different...

Those are just common thoughts that many people use to justify their acts and ignorance, again, in pursuit of happiness...sometimes just to satisfy our deepest longings for love, admiration, acceptance and acknowledgement from others...

Again, I ask myself so many times before I take a step towards my happiness, "Will I let myself to become the 'evil' person that will sacrifice others in order to pursue my own happiness?"
and "Can I live forever remembering that I'm guilty for that?"
The answer that can only be answered by my deepest part of my heart...

The ambiguence of me

2008-10-15T23:59:00.001+07:00

When I look strong, people judge me too independent and harsh

When I look meek, people tends to hurt me

When I untrust love, it appears to be so true

When I trust in love it betrays me

Mediocracy...should I trapped in between?

A quarter century away...

2008-08-10T22:48:00.002+07:00

A quarter century seems so short yet seems so long...

Thousand days gone and seems too fast and here I am...in the brink of nowhere of my life...

My days are full of struggle...my nights are never ending.

I wait for someone to embrace me and keep me from falling...

It's been 25 years, full of laugh, joy, tears and grief...

And what lies in front of me just a glimpse of sparkling white line that tells me, "You are in the right path."

But sometimes the shade of dark clouds make me shiver,

And I felt trapped in a tempest without a firm shield over me.

A cracked knee, a hurted heart

That's what I had this day...

Dull days and long nights, I'm wondering where you will take me?

Can I trust the silver lining from You?

.....Me, in my celebrating a quarter century of my presence on earth.....

Merry Christmas everybody!

2007-12-30T19:27:00.001+07:00

I just wishing you all who read this :

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Hopefully the peace, joy, hope and blessings that JESUS brings always be with you forever....

and enjoy the new year eve too........

Fired!

2007-09-01T19:56:00.000+07:00

This week is an uneasy week for me to work. Coz I had to fired 2 of my staff that proven to be guilty and done gross major faults while doing their tasks. And I had to done it before we left fo the field and I had to go with them for this last week.
Moreover, when it came to the last day one of them said that he'll visit his sick mother that had undergone tumor surgery in his hometown. It made me kinda felt guilty for firing him coz probably he's in a need of much money to cover the surgery expenses.
But I can't do anything since the decision was also taken by my boss and the head of base.
This is the first time I fired people, though they are guilty, but I still feel uneasy.... Sigh...

To hope for one glimpse of light...

2007-06-27T11:13:00.000+07:00

It's been two years since I graduated from university, and seems that my life had changed a lot. I suddenly noticed this from the news that I got from my friends.Some already married, some are busy to prepare their weddings, some still dating their beloved.Anyway, not just this issue of singleness that came into my mind recently, but the state of being alonein 'the jungle'.It has been 3 weeks since I left Jakarta and open the new project here, since this is a Watsan projectso, there is only me a woman here. And it's kinda hectic to work with these guys. So many difficultsituations regarding me as the one and only female being here made me kinda stressed a bit.No body to talk to, no social life that seems will be a prospering one that somehow, I hope,will lead me to a new love life.It's been two years indeed, but seems my love life going nowhere while my friends seem prosperous #in this part of life. After the experience that I got from the last relationship ended with unansweredquestions and hanging hopes, I began wondering could I start again and found the right guy? Even inthis 'jungle' of solitude?Yes, my life is still long and I'm still young, but at least I hope that somehow a glimpseof light will fall on my dim love life....Giving me hope that there are somehow a love that worthstriving for...
Will time answer me? Or is it You, God that will ease my worries?

Whatever!

2007-04-11T10:54:00.000+07:00

During these holidays that I took to spend my annual leave, I tried hard to enjoy myself more than I used to be. But spending time while thinking that there are so much troubles in the future when I'll be back at my work made me a little bit stressed. The uncertainty about the continuation of my contract, the present but hidden negative judgments about me in the workplace that were spread by hidden 'enemies', and most of all the uncertainty about how my future should be.... are the things that made me confused. Moreover there is no assurance from the people that once offered me chances.

So, today I decided to let them off. To enjoy my time while I am in here. To do things that I can't do before. And say to myself whenever those problems came to my mind :

WHATEVER!!!!

Crying...

2007-03-18T13:47:00.000+07:00

These days I felt like crying all the time...The pressure, the betrayal, the gossip about me are taking their toll towards the end of the project. I don't know what else to do. I don't know who else I have to share these burdens.Its a hard thing to keep smiling though those two-faced clowns say bad things about me to my boss. The worse thing is my boss didn't truly believe I am working well. I just don't know whether I can manage until April. I doubt they will want to work with me next phase despite the bad news and rumors those clowns had spread.God please give me strength to do what is right...

Merry Christmas everybody

2006-12-28T21:27:00.000+07:00

I just want to say :

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR

to all my friends, readers, etc....

May GOD bless us all!

hurts

2006-11-03T16:14:00.000+07:00

These days I felt like I'm losing myself...
I lost myself because I had knew the answer from that person...
I'm glad because I finally can be brave to be honest to my own feeling, but I can't help myself from wanting that this is not true, and things didn't happen the way they were.
It's hurt though, and sometimes I felt blank, no feeling and no hurt, but sometimes simple accidents that hurt me (like bumping into something hard or cut myself) remind me of the hurts, and the lost dreams.

Can I get up and continue my life? Can I dream another dream? Can I felt my heart again?
I look at the distant sky, I knew my life should go on, I had to dream another dream... but I can't maybe I can, but this heart is fragile.
And I ask myself, is it easier to hate than to love?
Will time heal me just like in the past time? Because my feelings are deeper and my hurts are real, the first and deepest affection that I felt towards someone. Not just like, but truly love him whatever he does and whoever he is.
Maybe I look stronger and I can say : "I could fix my heart on my own" but the truth is I can't.
I'm weak, I am hurt and I'm blank....

A month ahead

2006-09-24T19:01:00.000+07:00

Maybe I don't want to end this journey...
Maybe the future makes me worry a lot...
Maybe the uncertainty blur my mind...
And maybe my feelings for you shed tears on my cheek...

A month is what I have now...
I know the end of this journey is near
I can't do anything to change it
Nor can I plan my own path ahead

Maybe our journey will end here too
As you left me here and start a new journey somewhere
I soon leave this place and start a new one
And soon we will be busy walking by our own

That's what frighten me most...
To start a journey without you by my side
To fully walk alone to a new place
To find myself realize that you won't be there for me...

I know maybe you'll never think about me
Maybe I'm just a part of your past
A past that soon you will forget,
A past that I'm afraid you will try to forget...

Thinking about it make me feel lost
What if we won't meet again?
What if my feeling for you is true?
What if you won't realize it?

Tender Heart

2006-08-18T20:46:00.000+07:00

I love to listen to "Tender Heart" by Lionel Richie these days. Maybe it kinda described what feelings did I had nowadays...

Sometimes, I just wanna scream to that person ..........

Love so far away...

2006-08-05T22:47:00.000+07:00

I like this poem...

How can someone love me,
from so far away.
Making me feel needed,
in such a loving and special way.
~~
Knowin' you're here with me,
as I think of you.
You're such a part of me,
in everything I do.
~~
You rolled into my life,
just like the oceans tide.
You hold me in my dreams,
pushing all fears aside.

We sleep under the same sky,
the stars are our blanket at night.
Wanting to be with you,
to love and hold ya' tight.
~~
I will always look to the sky above,
each night and day.
For the one that loves me,
from so far away.

And I miss u so....

Is this considered porn pic?

2006-04-16T12:23:00.000+07:00

Freed your mind, and freed your spirit
Are the ways to better understanding...

Words above don't come from a famous figure like Einstein or Shakespeare, they are just words that came into my mind lately.
Maybe after read some arguments in the mailing list that I joined about how we should act towards the term pornography and how this nation began to divided into two sides, the pros and the cons, I came to a sense of understanding that sometimes small things that to someone looks unimportant, can be a threat to others.

Maybe for me, posing like I did in the pic above seems okay and don't trigger something in others minds. But to others, maybe that pose looks odd and 'maybe' can made people think about something. Well, as a matter of fact, that what happened lately in this nation.
Some people that think every kinds of porno-related-stuff, including women that wear sexy (this term of sexy can be differ to many people) and full-pressed-body clothes, had to be forbidden to show off in the public places and else because they might become a cause of criminal actions like rape and other sexual related criminalities.

And some people think it's ok to wear sexy clothes because it's the right of the women to show off her beauty (include her body that considered as a subject of art expression). So they against the new law draft that considered wearing sexy clothes in public places is a form of criminality that can trigger a rape.
Well, for me, I still watch how the shows go on, though I didn't support pornography and related stuff. But, I also don't agree if I have to be arrested if I wear sexy clothes (that what I think sexy, but maybe to others it wasn't sexy at all).
So the conclusion is : STILL HAVE NO COMMENT.... ;P
But I will freed my mind and spirit to learn things that right and just to understand better about how things work.

BTW, do I look sexy and can raise lust when I pose like in the pic above?
If so, please tell me, because maybe I can consider other pose (that didn't guarantee also if I made another erotic pose - LOL) ^_^

Take it slow...

2006-02-19T11:25:00.000+07:00

Take it slow, take it slow, this time we take it slow....

That was John Legend sang in his song, "Ordinary People"
I just keep thinking how my life seems flying so fast these days. What happened yesterday and last week seem like happened last year.
So does my relation with someone. He seems so close one time, and the other time he seems so far away. I don't know what make us like this, but sometimes, I just wanna say to him that I miss the old times when we're close and share our problems, thoughts and feelings.
Like wanting to sit with him in a place like the picture above, talking all day and sharing things that kept inside my heart and his. Be free to tell others whatever things without fearing that someone might get hurt or changed. Just talking and let things flow like river between us...

Indeed, it's been a long long time since I had a time to sit and share with somebody....
I miss those times...

Bad Words

2006-01-16T18:25:00.000+07:00

I don't know why, these days seem like I swore a lot about someone. He had said many things that made me angry and when I looked at him and whatever related to him, I got really upset and said bad words in my heart. I know this is not good at all. But I can't stop it, really hate him.
Please pray for me that I should forgive him. Help me...

I'm Married...(later maybe?)

2005-12-30T22:24:00.000+07:00

I'm married today! (Ups! I'm joking.... ;P)
My best friend, Roma, was married today with her boyfriend, Rully.
They finally united in holy marriage now...

Well, I kinda felt touched when they said the promises in front of the altar, and of course before GOD. It made me think that how time had changed us and well, now one of my best friends isn't single anymore. She's bound in a marriage now.
Besides me sat Ester and her boyfriend and also Tao and her boyfriend also. Well, I'm the only happy single there sat among my friends that already got boyfriends. And these weeks I heard so many news about many of my old friends in college already married or will get married next year, not to mention two of my cousins that already married this year and two again will follow the next year. It's seems like all the relatives eyes, especially my aunts, are directed toward me and my status for being single.
Well, who are they to force me to quickly find the right guy and marry him?
Whatever they will say and whatever things they will do to persuade me or my mom to 'press' me on marriage matters, I don't care! I just want to live my life to the full.
Period.

Natalan bo!

2005-12-27T23:27:00.000+07:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
SELAMAT NATAL!!!
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!
JOYEOUX NOEL!!!

Pokoknye semua bahasa yang gue tau deh...
Gw cuma mau ngucapin semuanya dan kali aja orang yang mampir ke situs gw bakalan ngeliat dan ngerti artinya postingan gw kali ini.

Ok, sebelumnya gw minta maaf karena gw jarang mosting lagi akhir2 ini. Abisan terlalu banyak jadwal yang harus gw jalanin menjelang akhir tahun ini. Baik itu di Kefa en di Jakarta. Gw harap di tahun depan gw bisa lebih rajin posting di blog gw tercinta ini.
Ok deh, GOD bless u all!

White Forest and Loneliness

2005-11-13T10:44:00.000+07:00

It's strange how a threatening situation can made u think about death...

Yesterday, when I was on a trip back to Kefa after stayed for a night in another base in Naikliu, there's something happened and made me ever think about death.
It was a late departure from Naikliu, we supposed to leave before 9 A.M because the driver told me that the weather will become worse and the path in the mountains will be difficult to climb. But there so many things that undone by the staff in Naikliu, including the report and other things that we supposed to bring into Kefa office.
So, we went off late at 11 A.M.

First, the weather was very sunny and nice, I even took some pics while we drove off home. But then when we reached the mountains, it began to rain.

We tried to climb the hills slowly, but the rain had turned the ground into mud and soft soil, so it was hard. So, the driver stopped the car and picked up some stones to weighed down the truck. At that time we're in the middle of 'White Forest' because all the trees' trunk in that forest are white (they are Cajuputi tree that can be made into some essential oil).

While I stayed in the truck and the driver picked up the stones, a thought of death came into my mind.
How if we can't get out from this forest? How if we try and the truck accidentally rolled off and fell to the valleys? How if my parents know that their daughter accidentally killed in a truck accident in a remote place? Will my friends cry when they know that I'm dead in here?
And will he cries when he know that I was killed in an accident?

These thoughts came into my mind because at the second climb, the truck stuck in the mud again and the rain became harder. The driver told me that we should back or else stuck in the forest all night. It was a very frightening situation. We haven't got our lunch and it was getting late, soon it will be dark.
I sat silently in the truck and heard the birds singing beautifully, and the sounds of a small stream calming my mind. The rain keep pourin down and made me think about the people that I left in Jakarta. I even think about what clothes will I wear in my coffin. I felt alone and it was a bad way to die, to die alone in the middle of nowhere, I mean.

"Hey! I'm not gonna die here!" I said to myself. "What for GOD sent me from miles away just to die here? That's stupid Mel!"

But when we try again the truck is still stuck in the same track, so, we have to come down from the mountain and back to the nearest village. If we keep on moving, there's another threat, a lack of gasoline, we probably stuck in another wilderness without any gasoline.

Thank GOD, when we came to the village leader's house, they agree to help us. So two of them climbed up to the back of the truck and ride with us to the mountains. Then we spent about two hours in helping the truck to get away from holes, and soft soil. When we succeeded in overcame a track, there still so many tracks that left ahead. I finally got down from the truck and helped them dig the soil in the side road by using the shovel. Man, that was the first time I did that.

After two hours struggled in the mountains, we finally can escaped from those threats. But there so many miles left before we reached Kefa. And it was 6 P.M. We drove through the dark villages and forest, and almost stuck in another forest. After passed 35 rivers and streams, and 145 km, we finally reached Kefa. I'm so glad because we had made it back to this town.
Though it cost us 12 hours (from 10.30 A.M to 10.30 P.M), and lots of energy and many pain (my back is still in trouble now). We finally here, though I don't very much like this town, but when I see civilization, I think that's enough for me now.

And well, those thoughts of death had been wiped away from me...

The Road Less Travelled

2005-11-07T21:02:00.000+07:00

One fine afternoon by the sea...
I sat on a rock after travelled with my friend's sister throughout the day browsing Kupang. Then she brought me to this beach. After a hard time walked on sharp rock along the beach, even the sand isn't soft, we found a big rock and decide to climb over it.
Though it's hard and so many times we both grumble because of the hard rock, we finally realize that it's worth it. We saw a very beautiful scenery above it.

Well, sometimes, we live like this too, we often grumble about the sharp rock that we had to step on when we walk along life's road. And so many times, we just want to stop and then realize that the sand where we stand isn't better either. But when we finally reach the top, our goal, purpose, etc, we always amazed about the things we found there and forget our troubles and sorrow.

Maybe these times when I felt that I am alone here, and the road that I walk is the road that less travelled by many people, especially girls. I keep in my mind that whatever will happen ahead, I know that something great and beautiful will wait for me there.

A Glass of Comfort

2005-11-02T17:45:00.000+07:00

A glass of cold water is all that I want now....

Maybe because its been so hot in here and there is no refrigerator in my rent house and office. Or maybe because I've been missing all the comfort that I used to have in Jakarta?

Oh yeah, I know it's so different from Jakarta with all it's comfort.
In Jakarta, I can get any kind of juice that I want, any books that I want to read and a glass of cold water don't matter too much for me. Here? Even too find a glass of clean, cold and pure water with no particles dissolved in it, is very hard to do.

And one of my colleagues said to me : Remember, you have to stay here for a year ahead. Yes, it's true. I remember it so much. But everything seems run slowly here.
I've been here for a week, but it seems that it had been a year. I still can't figure it out about how I should do my job and it seems so hard to be the smallest and the youngest staff in here.
I'm alone. I'm the only 22 years old unmarried female here, while most of my colleagues are male and married. It seems like I'm a teenage with all the big-city-stuff that I used everyday (clothes, language, and style). And sometimes, I felt desolated.

But I remember a quote: "An eagle flies alone"
And that quote seems strengthening me here. I know that an eagle is a noble bird that is tough and can survive the storm. Yet, it flies alone....
I'm all alone here, alone without all the comfort zone and protection from spiritual leader in church, alone without all the things that made me comfortable in Jakarta.

But an eagle should flies alone. Coz the storm is coming my way. God, I wish that I could manage to fly, eventhough I should fly alone...
I just hope that there are people out there that pray for me, people that remember that I'm still their friends, eventhough I never contact them again because of many things...
Coz I had left my comfort nest, and my glass of comfort to fly alone in a deserted land...

I'm wondering what my life would be next?

2005-10-25T19:41:00.000+07:00

After a long and tiring flight from Jakarta (it took about 5 hours), I finally arrive in Kupang. And I had to 'fight' with some passangers to get my bags from the pick up part in airport. Gee, can u imagine that I had to pick those two bags that weighed around 35 kilograms by myself. Thank GOD everything is undercontrol. Then outside the airport, I met the Project leader and his staff that already waited for me.

I thought we're gonna stay in Kupang for a nigt (at least I thought they will let me stay in here), but I'm wrong. We had to arrive in Kefa tonight. So after a not so delicious meal at a local restaurant, we drove as quickly as possible to Kefa.
Man, it was a very fast and quite not comfortable trip for me. I had to hold on to cold wind that blows through the opened windows (they did this because they were smoking inside the car). I hate smokers, but I can do nothing to stop them.

We arrived at a village and stop for a while, then we continue our journey to Kefa. I hardly can sleep because the wind blows very hard, but at least I fell asleep. Then they wake me up when we had reached Kefa. They brought me to the hotel and left me there. I washed my face and went to sleep quickly.

The sound of someone that knocked door wake me up the next morning. Gee it's almost 9 A.M. but I can hardly open my eyes. Then I wake up and saw that the CARE Staff that had came to picked me up. I told them to wait and rushed to take a bath.
Then hungrily, I went to the office and was introduced to many people in the office. Then all things went very boring, I can hardlly do anything there. Just sat all day and talked to few people. I went back to hotel and moved to another room (without AC and refrigerator, sigh).
Anyway, I read on my room till two of the staff picked me up and took me out for dinner at a local restaurant.
Then I was back at my room and fell asleep.

I still don't know what will happen to me next. I just found a nice housing where I rent a room, the lady and her husband are so friendly to me. They treat me so well. Then the next day I went to Bitefa where one of the TFC (Therapeutic Feeding Centre) is located. I went there with dr. Yohan and a nurse. Then they left me there for hours (till I get bored and fell asleep few times). I had talked to the nurses and nutrition aid and also to the mothers whose children are doing therapy there. And I had saw pigs scattered everywhere like cats in Jakarta. Maybe I'll post the pics later, because the pigs pics are so funny. One pig looks like a 'rocker pig' with blonde spiky hair. LOL.

Anyhow, so far, everything goes smoothly for me...hehehehehe

Tests Menace

2005-10-13T20:49:00.000+07:00

These days I'm acting like a killer teacher in giving marks to the students. But I kinda stressed too about these matters because almost all of the students that I teach, got poor marks, just some of them that got good marks. Adding to this menace, I had to prepare so many things and do so many things before my departure to Kefa, NTT. So many things have to be prepared, yet, it looks like that my teacher friends aren't so happy if I leave them soon, especially the principal.

They talked about it secretly behind my back. I knew it from a friend that I trust. And this thing made me felt uneasy since few days ago they seem okay when they heard that I'm gonna leave them and work in another place.

Worse, the parents and teachers meeting that supposed to be on this Saturday was canceled and moved to next Saturday. I will resign on next Friday (21 October) but the meeting will be hold on Saturday (22 October). And on 22 October, I have to attend my friend's wedding party! I felt uneasy, even after one of my teacher friends said that I had to attend that meeting and be responsible to answer all those parents questions about their children achievement (regarding those poor marks!!).
I want to answer : "Hey, I'm not a teacher anymore in here on 22 October."
But I can't. I don't want to leave bad memories to the people that I will leave here. It's enough that I will leave them the 'failure' of a teacher-that-can't- make-the-students-get-good marks.
And the teacher that don't get along with them (the teachers).

It seems like these obstacles pop out from the people that I didn't expect before. They seem so Godly and holy (I felt like this because I NEVER attend teachers devotion every morning since the first day I became a teacher here). I won't like if someday, after I left, they will talk about my bad habits or problems that I left. I just want an easy resign, not more than that now.

I don't know to whom I should talk about this matter. It seems like I can trust no one here at this school, except one, my best friend here who is an English teacher just like me. But she don't know what to do too, and she didn't have any idea of how I should resign.

Right now, I don't know what to do. Can u give me a suggestion?

Just Close the Door!!!

2005-10-07T20:58:00.000+07:00

I thought another door had been closed today as the end of my day at work approaching. Today was full of things that made me feel hectic.

Arriving at the school, I faced so many piles of papers that I have to correct. Though it's not my job because I only handle 3 subjects : English Awareness, English Language and Conversation.
And yesterday I had finished all the English Awareness papers test and today I planned to help my English teachers friends with their pile of works. Because it had been decided by all of us to help each other after one had finished his/her job.

And u know what? It's really absolutely dissapointing when I found that the people that had to do their own job (correcting the papers test) didn't show up somehow. Though they put their job on the desk without noone correcting them! I had do my best to help them, but it seems that they didn't even realize their own responsibility. Gee! With all of these, I'm not sure that they will help me to correct all the 8000 questions (from 8 English Language classes) that I teach on next Tuesday.

Can u imagine that?? 8000 questions in only 3 days before all those papers will be given back to the students!! And the next day after we'll give them to the students, there will be parents meeting in school and we have to face all the comments and critics from all the parents!

These things made me quite gloomy somehow. And I felt that I heard a closing door before me as the day ended. Cause I have been waiting for the news from the NGO that interviewed me last week, they said that at the latest, they will inform me on Friday if I am accepted.
And as I'm waiting for a bus to go home from my office, I begin to think, well I'm gonna start a new business somehow and I don't really care if a door to work in the NGO closed again. I'm not going to regret too long on this case and I have to move on...

But when I sat on the bus, my cellphone rang and I picked it up. It was from the HRD Manager of that NGO (CARE International). She informed me that I was accepted and I have to go next week to Kefa, NTT (Nusa Tenggara Timor) near East Timor to work there as a nutritionist.
I'm glad, but somehow I felt a bit hard to leave Jakarta, my family, my friends and things that I have here (the business that I'm going to start). But I ever prayed to GOD last week, that if HE wants me to go, then HE'll open the door for me. And if HE wants me to stay, then HE'll closed the door.

Though it sounds and feel hard for me to go there and stay for a year there, I felt everything will be allright.
Sounds funny but a little bit strange, because the last time I got assurance from GOD to go to Aceh, I heard a song from the Launchcast Radio Yahoo that said :

"Step by step YOU lead me and I'm going to follow YOUR way"

But today I listened to my MP3 player in my cellphone a song that said :

"Lead me I'll follow, whereever YOU lead me now"

I felt relax and calmed though this song is a RnB song. I don't know, maybe with my short mind I thought that GOD had closed another door in my life, while HE actually had opened it.
I remember few days ago I ever said angrily to GOD :

"Just close the door, GOD! Close all the doors and make me abandoned like Joseph! After all, I began to lose my hope upon everything....!!"

And I'm wrong this time, HE didn't close all the door,
coz HE know better than I.....

Walk on Water OR Drowned?

2005-09-30T16:50:00.000+07:00

I wake up and jumped out of my bed this morning, not because I have to prepare myself to go for the interview and the fact that I'm overslept. But because I remember one thing : my friend will face a surgery at 10 A.M. this morning and I haven't call her to support her.

I called her to her cellphone, but I thought she had turned it off. I bet she's on the way to the hospital. A bit of a guilty feeling because I'm not being a good friend that called her to say a prayer, or at least something that encouraging her to face this situation bravely, suddenly hit me. I just pray for her shortly after that.

Then a friend of mine SMS me and said that she will go to her hometown tomorrow. I'm so shocked because I haven't had any chance to visit her since she gave me a shocking news about her pregnancy! (this because she hasn't get married with her boyfriend). I was very concerned about her situation and again I felt guilty because I didn't have any chance to visit her since two weeks ago.

And what's more? I have an interview at a famous International NGO at 10 A.M. and still, I haven't prepare well for the interview. I just read few articles about the nutrition field that I had left for months, suddenly I didn't feel that I am a true nutritionist...

All the way to the NGO's office that located in Blok M, I didn't read my papers again. I even can't read my Bible as I usually do in the bus. The thoughts of my friends surrounded my mind and I felt sorry that I can't be a good friend to them. I just pray along the way that they will be all right.

Then I have to canceled my plan to stay in another town, Bogor, in my old friend's house because untill now I haven't decide what I should do in this kind of situation.
I called some old friends about a lodging to stay overnight, but I didn't have assurance. So, I just chat with them though I used my bro's cellphone. Sadly some of my friends had laid back from the LORD in many ways. And because of that I felt sorry for being too ignorant and selfish for all these times.

It seems that this day is a day that will determine my life and the life that people around me. It just like I'm walking alone in the sea of uncertainty and the water had already covered half of my body. I'm feeling cold, I'm afraid, and the sea seems so threatening, but yet, I have to go on and try to walk on water, no matter what lies before me.

But will I make it? Will I walk on water? Or will I drown in this sea?

Red Lights

2005-09-21T23:12:00.000+07:00

I got a red light again this time. A way had been closed this morning when my friend told me that my project in translating a semi-scientific book was rejected by her boss.
I was kinda shocked about the news, coz I want it badly, at least this is what I think to get involved in media-related activities, the thing that I always long for, a glimpse of my vision and calling....

And here I am, with the rejected project (though I had sleepless for two days to did that), and a blank vision.
Stressed with the coming exams in school and piles of tasks to do. I can do nothing and just keep wondering why it seems all the road that I want to walk to fulfill my vision seems closed. Am I in the right track?

Why there always red light that I meet these days?
Where are the green lights?

Looks like I began to questioning GOD again this time....

show me the future GOD....!

2005-09-12T23:50:00.000+07:00

It's been four days since this disturbing cough and terrible throat infection started. I can hardly sleep well, and I lost my voice, though it's getting better soon.
Anyhow, I had tried so many kinds of medicines, from the modern one to the ancient recipe but still this didn't help me so much to stop this cough.
And well, another thing burdened me, a pile of work to do, I have to make about 450 questions for the upcoming mid semester test for the nine classes that I teach and yet another job offer come to me to be an editor for a publisher.
I don't know where the road will lead me. But I'm curious as new things begin to happen in my life. Though I'm still not feel that this place is where I should be at this moment, and many times I'm questioning GOD about what the future hold for me and why HE gave me a vision that so different from my condition right now. Sometimes I believe that HE wants me to believe and just follow HIM though I can't see the road clearly. These days GOD reminded me that HE never too slow to fulfill HIS promises.
Besides all of that things that disturbing my mind lately, somehow deep in my heart I still want to hear a simple and true 'Get Well Soon' from a heart that truly cares for me. And I'm back again in my corner of solitude here in this school where no one cares enough to chat with me...

Alone in the Storm

2005-09-07T20:40:00.000+07:00

The storm is above my head, I'm exhausted, tired and lost...
Still don't know what to do
It feels like the time is stop inside me
I cry alone in this desert, cry for help
But no one hear me in the midst of all these confusion

Where will this road lead me?
Why I have to face this rocky road all my life?
I'm cold and alone
Seems losing all the light that once lighten my ways

Am I a castaway?
Shall I wonder all my life through?
Tell me the truth, no more bullshit, no more lies
Plain truth is all that I want...
I don't care what will it cost me

Angry, alone, sad and dissapointed I run
Run away to the clouds, but they slowly dissapear
Run to the sun and it burnt me
Run to the wind but it neglect me
And I run to you but you abandoned me...

Where should I go then, Elohim?
Why You seem like forsaken me?
I sit in silence...

Which Way I Should Fly?

2005-09-04T20:34:00.000+07:00

Here I am,
In the middle of intersection again...
If I should leave, then I will, but will I make it?
If I should stay, I will, but do I have the strength to preserve it?

I have no strength, confused, bored and tired.
I wanna get out from all of these, I wanna hide, I wanna run...
Sometimes I wanna take the easy road, not the road that less traveled
But my life had always bring me to a road that less traveled
Roads that hard and tough to be conquered
Roads that make me shed my tears and get hurt
And I keep wondering why I always get the hard way,
While many people walk the easy way

I'm alone again in the solemn blue sky,
Confused where I should fly
There's no one here to guide me
And I just stare the sky to ask for guidance.

Others had fly their own ways,
While I'm flying here without direction
And just wait for the Redemeer to show me the way
How long I can go on flying?
I don't know...only the Redemeer know it
I know He'll show me the way
Coz I believe in HIM

I Found Angels Today

2005-08-30T22:02:00.000+07:00

Today as I began my day I decided to fast for a matter. It's been a long time since my last fasting and I quite doubt myself whether I can make it or not.
Anyhow, I found myself left behind by a bus that I should take to my workplace. I ran to get that bus among the cars that ran fast that didn't care enough that they might hurt a girl like me that try hard to get into the bus. To them I might seem crazy to chase a running bus. But to me, this is a matter of 'dead' or 'alive' or let say, a matter of being late and miss my class or not.
And suddenly in the midst of my effort to chase that bus, an 'angel' appeared to me. No, it wasn't a white robed person with wings and golden ring upon it's head.
In fact, it , or lets say, he, is a middle aged man that ride a motorbike. At first I didn't understand why he ran his bike slowly near me, but then he stopped and said, "Wanna ride to the front of the bus?"
I smiled and hopped into his bike. He drove fastly and succeded to reached the bus and stopped in front of it, and made it stopped. I'm very grateful at the moment and I tap his shoulder and said, "Thanks a lot Sir, GOD bless you so much!"
I hopped into the bus and sat safely in the seat. Gee, I never experience this kind of experience witha total staranger. I even didn't think I WILL DO THAT! I mean, jumped to a stranger's bike that offered me a free ride to get a bus. Man! I'm so lucky! While my trip to my office I kept thinking about this matter and thanked GOD so many times for this rare experience.

The second angel that I met today was Miss Jacqueline. She is a nice woman that worked in the administration office in my school. She offered to typed for me the test paper that I should make by myself. And she freed me from the burden that I should carry today.

The third angel that I met today was a woman (another stranger) that I met in the bus at my way back home. She offered me the seat that she deserved to has and take my seat that wasn't so comfortable because I sat next to the driver. In this selfish and egoistic city, it's hard to find people that are willing to sacrifice their own comfort for the others comfort. I thanked GOD again for these blessings, though to some of you these kind of blessings are unnoticed and unimportant. But I know that somehow, somewhere, these kinds of help are very important to some people and you never know how much these helps change someone.
Coz I've been experienced them...

You never know how much a small good deed can change someone life nad even a nation's history...

A Small Seed

2005-08-22T23:07:00.000+07:00

What is the Kingdom according to u?

Today as my day started with the devotional time, verses on the Bible suddenly seems get a new meaning for me.

Luke 13:18-21

Jesus asked, "What is the kingdom of GOD like?"

"It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air perched in its branches."

To me, a seed is my faith. Though it is small in the beginning, but I believe when GOD had planted it on the garden of a new life in HIM, no matter what happen then someday somehow if I keep my faith and ask GOD to cultivate it by HIS grace...then I believe I can be a 'tree' that brings life and blessings to many birds (I think birds are wondering souls that long for the truth).

We often think that to make miracles happen in our life we have to have a faith that is bigger than the mountains. But through this passage GOD made me realize the essential truth : No matter how big or how small is ur faith, GOD can turn ur faith into something that somehow can be blessings to others. Though u may think that ur condition is impossible and u stuck in the things that annoy u, believe and keep this truth :

the Kingdom of GOD is a small seed that GOD planted in ur heart, and somehow, someday the seed will turn into a tree that can bless others.

the hidden enemies

2005-08-18T20:50:00.000+07:00

Today, as I went home after finished my day I rode a bus and sat in the back. First, I didn't notice that beside me sat a little girl with shabby clothes and her sister. Yes, they are street kids that probably had performed their 'show' in order to get some nickles in that bus. I looked at them. The younger sister is crying because her sister said something cruel and pinched her sometimes. I want to cheer up the little one and give something to them to stopped the quarrell, but they are so serious that I didn't dare to interupt them.

As I silently stared at them, I noticed that the older girl is kinda cruel to her sister. I knew that she might be hard and tough and not leting her sister to become spoiled because of her environment. Her tough and rude environment had turned her to became a tough and unspoiled little girl, while many little girls in her age probably still playing freely and can be spoiled to their parents. Deep inside my heart, I cried for this unjust condition. I knew that this child and her sister had rights to act like their friends in the same age. To freely play and live their life.

But again my mind think of their friends that are more lucky. I think of my students that I teach everyday. They had chances to have education, but some of them live as they didn't appreciate the chances that they have. Many people in this world lucky enough to have the life that aren't so hard and tough as these girls' life, but they didn't appreciate it. They just going around like there is no future for them, though there are so many chances that they had.

I cried for these girls. But I got angry too because the devil had worked so hard to destroy the life of many people that are bound by drugs, pornography, diseases, and poverty. It may sounds cliche, but I knew that there are the hidden enemies that disguise in poverty, drugs, pornography and diseases. And I begin to questioning myself again:

"What are you doing to stop them?"

and again :

"Will you let GOD to use your vision to destroy them?
Or you just want all the comfort only for urself?"

And I choose to let go my comfort and do something to stop them.

Little deeds like teaching well to get rid of poverty in the mind of my students.

Whiskey Bottle

2005-08-16T23:10:00.000+07:00

Today as I sit down in the bus station waiting for a bus to pick me up to my office, I read my Bible. Hmm, it's been quite a long time since the last time I read this NIV Bible. Well, I just checked it and a verse pop out to my mind.

Mark 2:22
"No one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskins."

In my heart, I knew that this simple truth : You can't put all the blessings and the abundance of GOD's kingdom in your unchanged and rusty heart. The 'wine' should be placed on new vessel, that is a renewed heart.

I can't understand the true meaning of GOD's kingdom if I keep my old sinful mind. I can't get more blessings if I keep my heart the same as if I never been repented. If I want more blessings (any kind of blessings), I should look, think and act the way GOD's want me to be.

I think we can call the wineskins into whiskey bottle just like this one. I think GOD doesn't mind if I call the modern wineskins as 'whiskey bottle'.

So, are you still and old dusty whiskey tin? Or a new one?
I prefer the new one like the pic above. Shining and practical. Hehehehehee.....

what is a heart made for?

2005-08-13T23:19:00.000+07:00

A heart is a fragile substance, it can easily be torn or cut to thousands pieces. It can be as rotten as a potato that being kept for months. But it can be cold and as hard as steel, tough and unmoveable.

Why I'm writing this down? Why I'm wasting my time to write about things that seem unimportant like this? That's because I fear my heart would into a potato heart that rotten as time swallow it. Otherwise I fear that my heart would turn into a cold and hard steel that can't feel anything.

These days I keep thinking about things that happened around me. A new environment that I entered, a career that quite different from the one that I want, things that I learned from people that I met, and...a decision to let go someone that began to enter my life because we so different in many ways. Things that I doubted whether I should cherish or regret...
They had turned my heart somehow, but will I let them make it soften or become harder? Will I find the true meaning of the things that I face? Only my heart knows the answer.

All I can say is LOVE can make a difference in my heart, but will I find my true love???

incomplete happiness...

2005-08-08T22:08:00.000+07:00

This thought came to my mind when the first week of August passed. I am approaching the new stage of my life. Suddenly, I was faced with a new choice whether to take a chance or let it gone forever. Doubting whether this choice will make me happy or let me feel miserable forever. I finally decided it.

Happiness to me seems so blur these days. I don't know whatelse I should do or what way should I take. Just like following what happened behind me. But I felt a part of me is missing it's destiny. It seems like my happiness is incomplete for a reason.

I still wonder do I made the right choice? Or should I wait for another chance to come to me?
I don't know what to do. I just like leting myself follow where the winds carry me.
I said this prayer silently in the midst of all things going through my mind :

LORD, I know I haven't fully fulfilled my destiny.
I even don't know where this road will lead me.
But all I know is I will do whatever lies in front of me
And stop hoping for the things that still fly ahead in my vision.
Though my happiness isn't full because my soul longs to fulfill my vision,
I know that somehow, this road will lead me to it...

I know, somehow, somewhere that a missing part of myself

will find its way to happiness...

Turn Point

2005-07-23T15:55:00.000+07:00

As the snow fall on the earth...
So does hope fall on every human hearts that believe...

What is self acceptance according to u?

This question came unto my mind these days.

Is it just accepting who and what u are without questioning whether u can change ur future or just follow where life will take u?

Can u accept urself if u can just live an ordinary life without significance and things that make u superior?

How is it like to wake up every morning and realize that u can do nothing to change ur life?

Well, I'm still looking for the answers for those questions that I asked myself. But maybe I can just give opinion that I believe true about this matter, and how is my point of view related to this.

Recently a sight of a street vendor that already running his own food business around my neighboirhood caught my attention. Lets just call him Wawan.

Wawan has been selling siomay (a kind of delicious food) for about 18 years in my neighborhood, and well, maybe people don't care how long he have been doing this business. But how if u replace his position? How if u wake up one day and realize that u can do nothing beside selling siomay to get some money for ur living? What are u going to do with the rest of ur life?

This fact made me realized that there is something in everyone's life that can change his/her future. Probably that's a decision that change his/her life forever, probably it is something that happen and he/she doesn't have any choice and have to take that.

But can I say it is a turn point?

A turn point is something that can make u choose an option that will change ur life forever.

Some people realized their own turn point because it was clearly shown, but some people missed their turn point just because they can't see it. But surely as snow fallen on earth or as sure as the sun sink in the west, someone had his/her own turn point.

Some may realized their own turn point since early childhood like, "I have to study hard so that my life will change."

Or some that think, "Ah, slow down, there so plenty of times to study, don't be too eager."

Well, not all people that acted like the first category get success, and not all the secondary category end up with a mess in their life. But again, what make it just a matter of turn point.

The question is : Will u recognize ur turn point and react correctly to it by making good choice?

Again I continue the previous quote that I made myself:

As long as u believe, there is enough hope to guide ur way
and know ur turning point

Executive Member of The Kingdom

2005-07-18T00:25:00.000+07:00

Today a preacher from US came to my church and preached there. Some of you might knew about him, his name is John C. Maxwell. He preached a good sermon, about how to get miracles in Biblical ways. But what I wanna say now isn't the sermon that he preached. No, this is quite different.

What I wanna to say hit me when I passed the lounge where he rested for the next service after preaching. As I walk down the aisle, I noticed many of church ministers were gathered in front of thje lounge, some even managed to got into the lounge and talked to him.
Well, as a matter of fact, I kinda jealous about their privilege to joined John C. Maxwell and can talked to him directly (since he's one of my fave author and I had collected and read almost all of his books). And I begin speak in my heart, "GOD, I wish I can be one of those 'executive' church members that can interact with the preacher closely."

But the truth of GOD came into my mind and HE said, "My girl, there is no executive member in My kingdom, because everyone is special and I treat them the same. Only humans that make those differences. Don't look at human's social differences, because it will make you lose heart."

ZAP! That truth hit me like a sudden blow. I used to wish that I can get his (John C. Maxwell) signature on my Bible or a miracle happen then he gives me a ticket to his free seminar at Mulia Hotel that worth IDR 1.000.000,-
BUT that truth make me realize that it doesn't matter if I can't have his signature or attend the 1 million rupiahs-seminar. What really matter is that whether I have GOD signature on my heart, that's it. That's the truth I got today.

Well, if GOD signature can be read by everyone, probably it will say like this :

MELISSA
CEO KINGDOM OF GOD

coz I am special, just like every believers in the world!! YEAH!!

I keep praising YOU

2005-07-15T00:15:00.000+07:00

"O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips."
(Psalm 63:1-5)

Though I can see no progress now, I won't be dissapointed.
And my mouth shall praise YOU, GOD.
Though I'm not chosen, I will keep on going to cherished my life...

F. R. U. S. T. A. T. E. D

2005-07-11T16:04:00.000+07:00

Cramped and surrounded by grumpy people all around, after a lifting day before seems unberable to me...
All the sorrow and hectic conditions make me sick and tired. I'm not dissapointed, I choose not to be dissapointed while others flying high and I stuck in the mud of frustation and unchanging conditions.
I choose not to feed my ego and put myself on the lowest level of acceptance.
The road seems crampy and sturdy, but I know that there must be the end of all of these. Coz u can't hide a diamond in the mud without see the thing glowing perfectly...

Safe in Your Hands

2005-07-08T12:18:00.000+07:00

I had fly thousands miles away,

My wings had been torn by the wind and storms,

I had so many dissapointments and I'm weary

I can't continue this journey no more...

Suddenly a hand stretched out to me,

Provide me a place to stay and rest

Now it's my choice to take that arm or abandon it forever

My mind confused, I don't want to be hurted again.

And there I fly, in the midst of confusion and fear

I wait the hand that I think will dissapear slowly

But I'm wrong, the hand is still there

Waiting for me

Tears are running on my face

For the first time in my life,

There is Someone that cares for me

There's a hand that shield me

I fly and safely land on that hand

And rest there till the storms are gone

Withered Soul

2005-06-29T15:47:00.000+07:00

I don't know how I felt anymore these days...
Seems like a withered flowers that approaching its end in the autumn
Though it's summer and full of joy, there are things u can't change.
Things that only time can answer and all you can do it to wait upon it.
I am still waiting for it, because I can't move anywhere...
GOD help me because not only my spirit that begin to withers, but also my soul...

No light shine and the soul slowly withers....

The Long Road

2005-06-28T15:53:00.000+07:00

The road seems will take forever...
I don't know what is the future like now
Could anyone tell me?
Because my dreams and visions slowly fade away

I cry in my solitude and despair,

Without noone see and hear me.

The road is quiet, noone there to walk with me

Not even a breeze blow or a tender rush of wind

Justice vs Sight

2005-06-21T21:33:00.000+07:00

A Faith that Sees Far More than This Time...

Could you tell me what is that?
Because I'm alone and blind,
Hurted and hopeless,
Help me...

Blessed are they that don't see and believe,
But isn't it more blessed they that see and believe?
Is the justice aren't synchronize with the sight?
Tell me, GOD

Find my Way

2005-06-08T13:18:00.000+07:00

"Can u show me the way to the tree?"

"What tree?"

"Tree of life"

"Well..., I can't"

"Why?"

"Because I heard that the road is curvy and perverse, it also scary"

"Really? All I know that the road is straight and narrow, and the light of GOD will always direct you"

"I can't see it though, I'm afraid if I get lost"

"Well, I will try to find it, though I might be lost, but I believe that I'll find the way"

One Step...

2005-05-31T21:21:00.000+07:00

Gee, I think I can do much this day. But all I can do is done something simple.

No, I'm not writing my next novel or accomplishing something spectacular.

All I done today is...writing an application letter and send it. Just it (besides writing my blog and... chat with... ;) u know who)

So, I thought this is my first step toward real awakening.

Hhhh, finally I can breathe the air of hope again....

Walk The Path

2005-05-30T13:50:00.000+07:00

Today I made up my mind to begin walk again with GOD.

I had lost my track in the few days ago, but now I'd found it again.

The road maybe hard to travel and full of dangers, but I know HE'll ease my pain and carry me through the hardest parts of the journey.

After all He's my Daddy and I'm HIS little daughter.

2005-05-29T13:10:00.000+07:00

Hope rises as a new day begin...

As this dull day begin, I believe GOD will shine HIS face upon me.
And today, He remind me that HE had given HIS promises and words.

And those shall not prevail, whatever circumstances that I face.

Dryland

2005-05-28T12:35:00.000+07:00

It's been a week since this thing happen to me. Seems no door opened for me and all I can see is a dry and cold land without someone there, including GOD. I admitted that HE's been absent in my life for a week, or let say, I have been absent from HIS presence.

LORD, You seems so far away,
A million miles or more it feels today
No, I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all is in my heart

I will sing
I will pray
Even in my darkest night
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing
I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your word is true
I will sing

LORD it's hard for me to see all the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You have died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all is in my heart

That song renew my faith this day. Knowing that I'm precious to HIM and though I can't see and understand HIS plan these days, I should keep trusting HIM.

sea of tranquility

2005-05-27T22:04:00.000+07:00

Don't know what to do now. Lost in the midst of tranquility and problems. No one to depend on. Just walk alone in the crowds.
Sad but noone cares....
Am I crying?

above

2005-05-26T22:01:00.000+07:00

What is the life above?
That question came unto my mind these very days. I've read a book by Franklin Graham, the son of Billy Graham, that said Living Above The Borders.
It is one of my favorites book ever, I remember that I had to fought hard (saved my money) to buy that book, and it worth it. I got a lot of blessings from that book.
And u know what? I think I had to do the same these days.
Fought hard to do something that I like.
Though my sky is dark and my future full of dark clouds, I remember one thing :

THERE IS A LIFE ABOVE ALL BORDERS

forgotten...

2005-05-25T22:13:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I felt my life like an abandoned hut, slowly ruin without noone cares.
Do YOU forget me GOD? I am sorry if I said that, but that's why I felt.
While my friends' life seem boosting and reach success, I still stay here and do nothing.
Maybe YOU care more on my friends better than me, I'm sorry again if I say that, but that's what all I can see.
Again a closed door, just like the closed doors I once had. Nothing change. Seems like if there's a door opened or easily opened in my life, well, that's I call a miracle. Something that rarely happen in my life. Not like the others that easily blessed or get opportunities, no, my road seems bumpy and dry.

Had YOU forgotten me, GOD? I knew YOU won't. But where are YOUR ways?
I can't see them...

Dormant Dreams

2005-05-24T20:40:00.000+07:00

I don't know what's wrong with my life, it seems that many dreams remain dormant. I wake up this morning and face the reality that my life ain't going anywhere.
Many things that I planned and ideas that I invented stay there without any progress whatsoever. I ask GOD, why a dream that looks so perfect (in my opinion) had to waited for years before it will come true?
Why....?

I felt like a ripe dandelion that ready to blown away by the wind, but there's no wind will blow it.
Though I'm ready to face all kinds of situations in the future, it seems that there is no chance for me to step ahead.

GOD, if u want me to go and be Your ambassador, please, show me a way!
Coz I can't live without YOU and out of Your track.

Kingdom Attitude

2005-05-23T19:13:00.000+07:00

What is a kingdom attitude?
Well, as far as I know, it is an attitude that you show when you are a member of a kingdom.
For me, I admit that I haven't get used to act or behave like a kingdom member. Though through the ancient story that my father used to told me, I was in fact a princess from an ancient tribe, the Batak tribe.

Sounds funny and impossible, but my dad is a king's son because my grandpa is one of the Batak kings. So, I can be considered a princess, right?
Anyhow, talking about kingdoms and kingdom's manner, I reflect more on what my today Bible reading told me :

Me as a daughter of GOD, the King of all kings, sometimes doen't reflect my Daddy's Kingdom attitude. I don't act or behave like a true princess of Heavenly Kingdom.
But after this day, I realize that I am a princess of heavenly Kingdom and I should act as the member of the royal court. So, I'll do my best and be the best princess that my Heavenly Daddy ever had.

1 Sam 15:10-23

What's Ur Fave Worship Style?

2005-05-22T18:22:00.000+07:00

Every week, Christians from all over the world gathered in churches, worshipping GOD and read Bibles and hear some preachings.
But what I considered important in a sermon is worship session.
I knew about many style of worships, since I ever experience many kind of denominations.
But a truth revealed to me is sometimes rarely to be recognized by most people.

WORSHIP IS FINDING WHAT GOD'S LIKE, NOT WHAT DID YOU LIKE!

Ephesians 5:15-21

before 30

2005-05-21T17:14:00.000+07:00

Today I realized that I only have 9 years left before my age reach 30.
Then after that I was considered an middle aged adult. What so exciting about living before 30?

Well, for me, hehehe, I planned to get settle (or begin to get settle) at 30.
Settle means that I will have a family and a home and I will be a successful woman where GOD calling me to be.That doesn't mean that I will spend my life just for my family and do nothing than taking care of my family, no, I mean, at that time, I believe I enter a new phase of my life as a woman. ^_^

Anyhow, GOD made me knew about this fact : that most human only live in painful years and their lives are short and dull. So, what I am going to do with my life now? Am I going to spend it in my vain and my own self ego? Or I will dare to follow GOD wherever HE leads me to?

I choose to follow GOD with all my heart and life.

HOW ABOUT YOU???

Genesis 47 : 1-10

SleepY HeaD!

2005-05-20T19:37:00.000+07:00

Hoaahhhmmm.....

Yawn....

It's morning now but I can't help myself get out of this cozy bed

Hoaaahhhmmm....

I think my eyes can't be open this morning.

Maybe I need to sleep more, just few more minutes, is it okay GOD?

Yawn...

zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz

zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz

"HEY!!!! WAKE UP YOU SLEEPY HEAD!!!

I'm going to wash your blankets and bedcover, now get out of your bed!"

Yikes! I jump out from my bed and stand. Thanks GOD that's not JESUS yelling at me, but it was Mom.

I wake up and realize that I almost sleep for 12 hours! Gee!

I said a quick prayer and go to bathroom. While bathing, I think about it again :

HOW IF GOD YELLING AT YOU AND SAY THAT YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO DO SOMETHING, WHILE HE HAD PLANNED SO MANY GREAT THINGS TO DO?

So, today I promise myself that I will do great things while I can and won't stop no matter what happens.

PLUS : I will not sleep too much. Keep this on ur record, Lord.

Do Ur Part

2005-05-19T15:43:00.000+07:00

What is this chipmunk doin'?
I think he's praying before eating the cooking that he had cooked.
Why I'm concluding this? Because he wear the cook's hat that assures me he had cooked his meal, not buying it at restaurant or even McD!
This simple pic reminds me of something, that GOD want us to do our part while we're praying. HE doesn't us to sit on our nice sofa while HE works like a servant for us. HE want us to do things together with him.

"ORA ET LABORA"
or
"Pray as you Work"

2 Kings 20:1-7

It Takes Time

2005-05-18T14:11:00.000+07:00

Sometimes life's circumstances made me feel despair. Things seems pushing me so hard that I could hardly breathe. I made mistakes and hurt myself and others. I could hardly feel GOD's presence. But today scripture reading made me realize something that most of us forget.

If we ask for forgiveness from GOD and from human for all wrong things we made, we will be forgiven (especially by GOD, human? sometimes they do forgive, but some others don't). But sometimes, it takes time to heal the wounded heart and the broken relationship that caused by those mistakes.

I recently made mistakes and hurt someone. He forgave me, but our relationship seems so awkward from that time (I felt this, though he says nothing changed).
It takes time to heal a wound, but I knew GOD make us going through this process because HE wants us to learn that nothing comes instant.

So does transformation, it doesn't come instant. But by process.

Jeremiah 33:1-9

"I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth." (Jeremiah 33:6)

Lost My Way

2005-05-17T17:56:00.000+07:00

Ever feel lost in a midst of crowd?
That's what happen to me lately
It seems that my ways turn upside down
And everyone make me feel bad about myself
I need a Redeemer!
I need a Peacemaker!
I need a Great Counselor!
I need a Savior...
I need JESUS CHRIST!

My heart

2005-05-16T21:14:00.000+07:00

The most precious gift I ever got is Salvation.
Though sometimes I forget how precious it is.
Salvation is the only gift that exist even though time will end. GOD doesn't require me to pay for that. But HE only want me to give HIM my very best - my heart...

Eph 2:4-10

Future...

2005-05-15T20:52:00.000+07:00

I often ask GOD if I can have a bigger faith like a famous man/woman of GOD or involve in great ministries someday. Sounds great? I think so.
Sometimes, I envy how GOD can use someone so greatly though he's just an ordinary man.
And these days I envy of everyone that seems having everything in their life easily. Such as people who get blessings easily, without striving hard to get them. Or people that don't have to do hard things to maintain their faith. Seems that they can easily get them and GOD bless them so much, but not me!
I felt that GOD wants me to shed tears everytime I need something, it seems that in my life I'm not so lucky as those people.

I knew, that jealousy is bad. But my old mind think that way.
But, today GOD said something to me:

It's not everyone is having that is important, but what I gave you that is important!!

So, then my mind changed and I can said to GOD :

LORD, what do you want me to do?

So, now I'm not focusing on what everyone have in their life. I knew that to obey GOD is the focus of my life. No matter happen in the future. I will say :

I will GOD

Change

2005-05-14T20:44:00.000+07:00

Wish...

2005-05-13T20:08:00.000+07:00

GOD, I admitted that sometimes I just wish something happen in my life without any real actions to make it come true. I just wish that GOD will do something wonderful and I can relax on my comfort bench.

My favorite author, C.S. Lewis, once said, "If GOD had granted all the silly prayers I've made in my life, where should I be now?"
Those words punch my mind so hard that I knew that many times I wish stupid wishes without realizing that may hurt someone. And these days, my prayers become really dry, full of wish lists, without wanting LORD himself.

Forgive me Daddy, and I want to love YOU more through prayers.

Matthew 6:5-15

Falling Free into...

2005-05-12T19:11:00.000+07:00

Sometimes the idea of jumping off to the air without any parachute or whatsoever come to my mind..., but of course I'm not planning any suicide acts! No, I'll jump if there is an assurance that something down will catch me safely, whatever it is.

These days I felt the same, jumping off to the unclear future because I had start a new kind of relationship with someone that is so far away from me. We don't know what the future will be like...

But I knew that GOD want us to learn something new and wonderful through it.

HE reminds me that falling free to HIS hands are the best thing that assure me to going through life. Because HE had strecthed out HIS arms to catch me whenever...

Deuteronomy 33:27

White Stone

2005-05-11T18:27:00.000+07:00

Looking at the blue sky often made me think of something that thousands men on earth asking till today :
"When will Christ come back for the second times? "
But what makes me glad and rejoice is the fact that when HE came back, HE will grant us a white stone.
The white stone means that HE had granted me salvation because I had believe in HIM.
It also means that I will be awarded because I had done good things. These good things I do because I love HIM, not because those good things can save me.

This stone remind me that I'm completely forgiven..., no matter who I was in the past

Revelation 2:12-17

Say No

2005-05-10T18:14:00.000+07:00

Sometimes, when I got the answer "NO" from GOD well, honestly I got mad!
I had prayed and struggle for the answer "YES" and even fasted for it, then when the answer is "NO", I got absolutely dissapointed!
I think, "How can GOD do that after all that I've done (fast, pray, do good will, etc)?"

But GOD doesn't act based on good will, fast or prayers that I devoted to HIM. Absolutely NOT!
He acts based on HIS own will, and I knew that HIS will is the best for me.
Though sometimes I acted childish and begging unreasonable things from HIM, but I thank HIM for HE didn't grant all my stupid wishes, instead HE granted me things that are wise and good.

2 Sam 12:13-23 = David beg to GOD for his son to be alive, but GOD said "NO". And David can still praise GOD after that "NO" answer.

In HIS will is our peace- Dante

Lights My Path

2005-05-09T17:54:00.000+07:00

Is there a shift in my life?
Or it just stuck the way it is without moving anywhere?
The long waiting days made me desperate
Dissapointing things walk in through my life freely
Seems that everything are moving towards nothing
GOD, I wish I can fly away and fulfill my dreams
If only I can get a pair of wings...

But what makes me thrilled is the fact that HIS way are so amazing that I can't understand it with my little mind.
Calm me with your reassurance when I'm praying for a heartfelt prayer
Make me understand YOUR ways GOD, if I had lost my trust...

Psalm 112 : 4 Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness